The 24 Laws of Golf
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the
course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability
of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball
, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer
and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid
only until the sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
(THIS is how the one-handed putting started!)
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun
of his own haircut.
count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of
a very large tree.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as
Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard .
There are two
things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Don't buy a putter
until you've had a chance to throw it.
1. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett
2. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron
was to kill a tarantula And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Sports Writer Jim Murray
3. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Actor Kevin Costner
5. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi
6. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Tom Weiskopf
8. My favorite shots are the practice swing
and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
9. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
10. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
11. Professional golf is
the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
12. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
13. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
14. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped
on a rake in a sand trap.
~ Henny Youngman
15. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
16. You can
make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
NEW FOR 2019: USGA Senior golf rule changes :-)
THE FOLLOWING RULES ARE NOT TRUE, BUT THEY ARE FUNNY AND SOME ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE TO US
SENIOR CITIZEN GOLERS !!
If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the
tree is deemed to be younger than the
player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted
and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior player should
not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (B)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck
has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The
missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the
felony by charging himself with a penalty.
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity
supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls
more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.”
If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy.
Golf is... above all....
a game of integrity.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it
the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap
Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I
have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
Simplifying your Golf Swing...
Why I love golf. It's so easy to understand. Just write these
pointers down and study them. They really make sense.
A Little humor - 1955, The Honeymooners
The Masters-info good to know..
There has always been an attraction for golfers towards the hallowed grounds of Augusta National. The Masters is one of the most unusual events in sports. It’s all about tradition, and it’s defined by a set
of old rules and customs that just do not exist in other tournaments. To commemorate such an amazing place, I have collected some interesting items.
1. In the Beginning : The Masters as we know it would never
have been, if the USGA hadn’t turned down Bobby Jones’ request to host the 1934 US Open. Angry at the rebuff, Jones and Clifford Roberts decided to stage their own event.
2. Bitter Sweet : Course
architect, Alister McKenzie, never saw his famous course completed. He died January 6th 1934, just 2 months before the Inaugural Masters Tournament.
3. The Language : You should never hear the word “championship”
on the telecast. The U.S. Open, British Open, and PGA are championships held by the major ruling and organizing bodies of the sport (or a vestige thereof in the case of the PGA). The Masters is an invitational tournament held at a very pretty golf course,
given prestige by the involvement of Bobby Jones. The winner is not the champion of anything.
Other words you shouldn’t hear: “fans,” “bleachers,” “sand traps,” “front/back
nine.” The officially preferred words are “patrons,” “observation stands,” “bunkers,” and “first/second nine.” That last distinction is aimed at avoiding use of the phrase “front side” for the
first nine holes, leading inevitably to the so, so vulgar “back side” for the next nine.
4. Respect : Some amateurs have always been invited to the Masters, out of respect for the career of club
founder Bobby Jones. But Jones himself was no longer considered an amateur by the USGA by the time Augusta National opened. He never competed for prize money, but his equipment deals and Hollywood instructional short films made him a professional in the eyes
of all, except for the eyes of the Masters hierarchy, of which he was a part of.
5. Ahhh…the Green Jacket : If you just happen to be the winner of the Masters, you get the honor of topping off the standard
ensemble with a shamrock green blazer. Professional golf’s version of a beauty queen crowning ceremony, the presenting of the Green Jacket by the previous year’s champion to the current champion at the conclusion of the tournament dates back to
1949, when Sam Snead won the Masters. However, the signature jackets started appearing at Augusta National 12 years prior, when members started sporting them during the tournament so that they would be easily identifiable by patrons in need of assistance or
directions. Also, when a member hosts guests in the clubhouse, the green jacket designates who gets the bill.
The Masters website has more on the sartorial back story: “The club purchased the Jackets
from the Brooks Uniform Company in New York and urged members to buy and wear them at the Masters. Initially, the idea met a lukewarm reception from the membership, for the heft of the coats made them warm to wear during a typical April in Augusta. Within
a few years, the Club introduced a lighter-weight version more suited to the season. Today’s single-breasted, single-vent Jacket bears the Club’s logo on the left chest pocket and on the brass buttons adorning the front of the coat and each sleeve.
The unmistakable color is known, simply, as Masters Green.”
So does the Masters winner get to take home that fetching piece of outerwear? He sure does. After the presentation ceremony, a custom version
of the Green Jacket is tailored to the champ’s exact measurements and he gets to call it his own for an entire year. So, to be clear, a single jacket isn’t passed on from winner to winner. During the following year’s tournament, he must return
to Augusta National and relinquish the Green Jacket, at which point it’s placed in a locker but available any time he returns to play at the club. Seve Ballesteros famously challenged the decision by saying to the Augusta committee: “If they want
it, they can fly to Spain and come and get it.”
6. The Template : The Masters invented the template for what we know as tournament golf. It was the first 72-hole four day event and the first to use the
over/under par system. The Masters also saw the first grandstands for viewers.
7. Strict But Polite : The level of respect that the patrons of The Master’s have is only surpassed by their understanding
of the game. It is awesome to witness. In the 10+ years I have been to this tournament, I have never seen a single spectator get out of line, say something in appropriate or make a scene. It is as if everyone has collectively agreed to be on their best behavior.
There is no need for marshals to hold “Quiet Please” signs because everyone respects the tournament so much. As mentioned earlier, they are not fans, they are not a crowd or even a gallery. They are patrons. You’ll hear it often during
the CBS broadcast. Also, while on the grounds, patrons are told not to run. Walking only.
If you watch any pro tournament, behind the golfers you’ll see a cadre of sign-bearers, reporters, photographers,
broadcast personnel and cameramen. Not at Augusta. Between the ropes, competitors, caddies and rules officials only.
Patrons who show up early and place their chairs and leave will find their chairs waiting
for them when they return. Try that at any other PGA event and let me know what happens
More than 40 years ago, during one tense moment, CBS commentator Jack Whitaker used the term “mob” to describe
the scene around a green. The Masters leadership let his bosses know that he wouldn’t be invited back, and he wasn’t.
8. Value : It’s one of the best-kept numbers in sports—the initiation
fee to Augusta National. With barons like Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, among others, as members it goes without saying that money isn’t the object. And it isn’t. To join is reportedly under $100,000, which might be one-tenth of other high profile
clubs in the country. And if you were lucky enough to play the course with a member, you can probably afford it. Guest fees are said to be about $40.
9. The Reagan Appointment : On October 23, 1983, President
Ronald Reagan was playing at Augusta National as a guest of his secretary of state (and club member) George Schultz when his round was interrupted at the 16th hole by a disgruntled local named Charles Harris, who had crashed his truck through the gate and
was demanding to see the President. Harris held hostages at gunpoint in the pro shop for two hours before Secret Service agents subdued him.
10. Clifford Roberts’ Demise : Augusta National’s
co-founder Clifford Roberts, a quiet investor turned autocrat, was at turns beloved and despised. In the fall of 1977, at age 83 and in failing health, Roberts walked to a slope next to Ike’s Pond and ended his own life with a single pistol shot to the
11. The Crow’s Nest : Located above the main clubhouse at Augusta, this is where the amateurs stay for the Masters week. Bobby Jones spawned the idea and the rest is quite literally history, lots
of it. Eight youngsters who stayed in this infamous bedroom and gone on to win the green jacket; Nicklaus, Aaron, Watson, Crenshaw, Stadler, O’Meara, Mickelson and Woods – that’s quite a list. There are four beds, a bathroom and a living
area which is lined with paintings of historical moments at the Masters and books about the history of the game.
12. Sweet Georgia Peaches : The history of Augusta is much more than golf; it was once home to
Fruitland Nurseries. Owned and operated by P.J. Berckmans and his family the nursery was one of the most successful horticultural sites of its time in the South. Located on Washington Road, approximately 3 miles northwest of downtown Augusta, Fruitland planted
millions of peach trees in the 1800s and early 1900s and made Georgia famous for its sweet Georgia peaches. In 1931, the land was purchased and transformed into the most famous golf course in the world, Augusta National. The Berckmans’ family home still
remains on the Augusta National property and serves as the clubhouse.
NORM MOSS HAS JUST FINISHED HIS BOOK ON GOLF......
Just Finished My Book On Golf Strategies I Know It Will Be A Great Help To All......
You may, or may not know it but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf.
I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.
Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience
in the game and observations of my golfing partners.
- How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
- How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
- How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
- How to get more distance off the shank.
- When to give the Ranger the finger.
- Using your shadow on the greens to confuse your opponent.
- When to implement Handicap Management.
- Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
- How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post...Undetected.
- How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
- How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in
- Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
- How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.
- When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
- God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
- When to re-grip your Ball Retriever.
- Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip
on the Foot Wedge.
- Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50
Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy. Please send on and hopefully more people
will buy copies!!!
A group of golfing buddies, all in their 30's & 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally
it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50,
the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on,
and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking,
they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
Golf related funnies...
TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES:
#10 Golfer: "I think I am going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your
head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"
"Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
#6 Golfer: "You
got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it is a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course
I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
AND THE #1 BEST CADDY COMMENT ...
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it is too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed